The
Plea Unheard
I look at the
alarm clock. It reads 11:47 p.m. I sit beside my bed on the cold wooden floor, with
tears rolling down my face in a steady stream. The chilly November night and
intense mix of emotions begin to heavily affect my little 13 year old body, making
my hands and legs shake uncontrollably. “What’s
wrong with me? I can’t breathe right,” my
breath is escaping my lips in ragged bursts.
I glance over at
Ashilee from where I sit; she sleeps quietly in her bed. I bite my lip hard, “No. I can’t wake her up. I can’t talk to
her. She can’t see me like this! I need to stay the strong, big sister in her
eyes. She can’t see me like this!” I smack my head forcefully, hug my
legs close to my body, and start to rock back and forth. I clutch my head and
dig my fingernails into my head, wishing the pain would disappear. “It will happen, I will die from too much
emotion tonight,” I think soundly.
Suddenly,
everything goes blank. Something in my brain just stops. Tears still streak
down my cheeks. I use the wall as a buttress and pull myself up. Slowly, I
trudge down the stairs to the kitchen. When I reach there, my brain pushes my
legs forward to the living room where it
lays. In this trance, I walk up to the mantle and pick it up. “What am I doing? Why
can’t I stop?” Tears continue to
rampage down my face. All I can see is the big, bold, red letters of the ACE
logo.
I look up from the razor to
find myself in my room. “How did I..?”
I have no comprehension of how I made it back upstairs. I sit on my bed Indian
style, wondering what would happen next.
I feel something pointy press into my hand. I look down, still on
auto-pilot, slightly startled. “What
the…? Why is the razor…?” I stare a
long time at the sharp blade, so long that my eyes go unfocused. My hand that
holds the silver blade makes a jerking motion.
Sweet
physical pain explodes from my hand. I hear an odd noise, and then realize that
it’s me whimpering. The tangible pain fills my body with such relief. I know how to fix this. I understand what
my problem is. The lovely feeling of knowing envelopes my mind, causing my body
to slump into relaxation against the bed frame. I close my eyes and imagine all
the pain being forced out of the small incision. Nothing matters at this point,
just the sweet relief of something concrete hurting instead of the overwhelming
amount and force of emotions that I don’t know how to deal with.
A
switch flips off inside me and I am back into awareness. I look at the clock
again and start with a shock. 11:55 p.m. Eight minutes passed by since the last
time I checked the time. Amazed that only eight minutes have passed, I
accidently grab my hand. I jump a little at a sharp pain. I remember what
happened and examine my hand. A thin stream of blood is slowly starting to
trickle down my thumb. I slide off my bed and tip toe down the stairs to the
bathroom to retrieve a rag and band-aid.
Once the bleeding
stops, I apply the band-aid and lay unmoving in my bed. My mind now hums
pleasantly, replacing of the torrent of torturing thoughts that earlier
consumed my being. I glance one last time at the clock, 12:01 a.m. Ashilee’s steady
breathing eventually lulls me to sleep.
When
I wake up the next morning, my eyes hurt extremely badly. Unhappily, I sit up
and I pull my hand up to my face to examine the tan band-aid. “What if someone sees it? What will I say?
What if I start to cry?” I pull my legs off my bed and stand up. “What will they say? What if I have to go
to therapy? Will my parents be mad and ground me?” A queasy feeling starts
to develop in my stomach. “How stupid am
I? Everyone will make fun of me! Now mom and dad will ground me for who knows
how long!” I berate myself all morning as I get ready for school. I put on
a jacket, and decide I won’t take it off for any reason the rest of the day.
Nobody
notices. When I get home from school, I see Papi’s truck in the drive way. “He’s home this week!” This revelation
sends a surge of happiness through my body. I speed up, super excited to see him.
Just as quickly, I come to a halt. “What
if he sees…?” I pause for a few seconds. “I hope he sees it… He will make sure I never hurt myself again. He
will not let me down. He will understand,” confidence spikes into me a
little, returning me to my hurrying pace. “He
won’t let me down,” echoes in my mind.
I
get home and hug him. I sit with him on the couch to watch TV. While we sit
there he makes a clearing throat noise. He asks, “What happened, Autumn-bear?”
Before I can say anything, the switch turns on and I’m back on auto-pilot. “A
knife slipped and cut my hand when I did the dishes last night.” I think, “Why am I lying? Why don’t I tell him? Maybe
I shouldn’t… Maybe that will hurt him more than I think. Maybe he will get mad
at mom. He can’t get mad at mom; I already make her sad enough with all the
fights I cause. Maybe this is for the best.” He frowns, “Well you need to
stay more careful, baby girl!” He kisses my forehead. “How are you liking this
movie? It was one of my favorites when I was growing up,” he smiles at me and
looks back at the T.V. The switch turns back off and I turn my head back to the
screen.
“Papi… Why aren’t you going to help me? Why
don’t you know that I just lied to you…?” My thoughts are whispers. Abruptly, I’m screaming inside, “Please, please help me! I’m scared of what’s happening to me! I need you to know I’m lying! I need you, daddy! Please know something is wrong!”
I stay calm, watching the movie.
“Mom and I constantly fight, about everything! Over the stupidest little things, Papi!
What did I do wrong? Why does she hate me? I just want to make her happy!” I laugh at what the talking puppet says. “I can’t talk to Ashilee, either! With you
gone to Wyoming for work, I have to be her foundation; I have to be her daddy
when you’re gone! And to top it all off, Mom gets more and more mentally absent
each day! Ash needs me, I can’t fail
her!” He explodes into laughter and I join in with a few giggles.
“Daddy,
I don’t want to do this all by myself anymore! Please Papi…” My thoughts
slow down. They lose all strength. I’m whispering again. “I need someone to listen… Help me?” He looks down at me with a big
smile and kisses me again, “Love you
baby bear!”
